so beto's been here for surprise.
it was too surprise for me during such a busy week..

i was hardly with him.
i was like what the point calcelling all the things i suppose to go this weekend????

it was super sweet and ultra surprise, but...
what?
what is going on??
i'm always on the computer?
and
we hang with his frineds all the time?

what was the point??

only two weeks passed.

still hurting, struggling, wanting, deserving.


i wanted to be loved and needed.



my soul dances like a butterfly everytime i'm with you.
nobody knows what i feel. talking is nothing. feeling is something.
I believe my heart more than what i speak.

i always feel like that i want to vanish into the kiss and your hug to become one.
just melt into your body and soul to be one.

hard time to separate my body from you.
hardest time to leave my spirit from you.

my love was just not that people say.
it was true that you cannot just give away like that, just cannot switch like you do.

the root grew deeper than you think.


two weeks..


i need more time.

a while ago, sex is a pleasure focused activity in my dictionary but i remember the day sex turned into just exercise. Now, sex is a celebration of collective behavior from love and desire in my revised dictionary page.

to be with this guy..


he called me up after 2 months of separation.
a day before my birthday, saying want to celebrate my birthday.
we had fairly long conversation on the phone because i wanted to make things clear and see what was his purpose to call me up all the sudden.
the conversation was like this.
in the conversation, he said he misses me, and care for me... i said nothing. and he asked me if i care for him. i answered nothing.
because i cared him very much before and he didn't.


i didn't want to rewind. i don't want to see the same movie that make me feel tangible. once is enough.


i made my decision.

I saw him.
I hugged him.
We talked.
We kissed.
We smiled.


I thought this time might be fine. this time we'll have a great time.





i guess i was wrong.
same mistake.






trapped.. again.








i knew something was wrong and different.
when i ask him, he told me to leave, instead of giving me an answer.



he doesn't give me what i want.
he doesn't deserve me anymore.
fake.
i don't feel anything from him... i feel like he's just doing to me by his nature, not for a lover.
i feel the difference.
how simple to see things out.

obviously, he's sleeping with other woman.
maybe random.

so, what am i waiting for?
what's the point to be with him?
what's the point to pore my effort to spend some time with him?


he's like a snake in the garden of adam&eve.

I was fine for a while, and he dragged me to
i do not want thiat. i want to see the progress.
i wanted to see what we hold and seek for mutual happiness.
i want to help each other to grow our potential.

No.
No.
again.



four months. from march to july.
after an my careless innoccent accident, i tried so hard.
i made a lot of effort to restore.

but i ended up worn out.



i really feel the same thing is happening.

i am not even sure if i'm in love and if i do, why i still love him.

he ditched me on the ground, to the bottom.
his feet on my cheek, snugging onto the ground, while he's talking and laughing other friend. he's kissing me while he's having sex with other woman.

so, what's the point, ai?
i am counting. two less, i'll be gone with the wind.

i think i am very glad that met someone i want to show off my past and history.. i really wish my hometown is one hour away from here so that i can show this person about how i grew up and what i was like in my childhood.. but just like life doens't go as you wish, the situation is not. my hometown is 17hours by flight from where i(he is) am right now.
i am very proud of myself as a kid. i had both good education, moral, role model, at the same time tomb boy and wild. I had all the elements i wanted to have.

I



must
be

rEally crazy about him.



i've been thinking about it and him every fucking single moment; every blink i make, every breath i take.
i will never put myself in this situation NEVER EVER AGAIN.
i learned so much from this relationship. if i every find someone i love next time, the same or even similar thing shall not happen again. i have suffered enough from chocking myself. i refuse to experience this again. once is enough. way too enough. i am good enough to learn from this. i have a good heart and compassion but have to overcome my weaknesses.

so, i've been hanging out with Michale and gangs since we started hanging out and getting know each other.
Michal is such a sweet heart with confused and baby mind.

we briefly met when he worked at falai through friko, but we didn't even talk back then.. it was before he went back to israel.

he's like a baby wearing "grownup michael skin".

i wish he finds what he wants to do for his life(well, i don't even know what i want to do for my life yet anyways so in that sense, i can't say anything to him though)

WHATEVAR!

actually, from end of August.
Started from Karen's birthday.. I was working on Tuesday, on her birthday.
when i got off from work around 10:30, i noticed i got a text from Friko, saying "we're engaged!! come to shiller's to celebrate!!"
i literary jumped and almost screamed when i read the text!

i rode my bike as fast as possible, and got there less than 10 mins!
people were outside of shillers, saw happy faces, karen's happy face!
made me full smile on my face. gave her congratulations kiss and hug,
then moved to Nurse Bettie with happy couple and happy people!
one of the best nights this summer!

then next day was her birthday party at central park.
went there with friko, karen, and steven by cab around 6pm.
gradually people started coming, karen's parents, sister, and gran'ma came, almost 30 people gathered to celebrate her birthday.
then we went to nurse bettie in LES.
such a happy day and night!!!





then some store closing party...
followed by Michael Jackson memorial party at the store.
after our trip to miss favela in brooklyn.

those days were just hardcore party days and nights.. just love it!

Friday..
what did i do..!?
oh yeah, hanging out with shoko, hashim, jian, and hue at this secret party in LES.
the party was thrown at this hidden underconstraction building,
and the lady escort guided us to the place..
we danced till soaking wet sweat.
brandon stayed over with me.
then at 4:30 am, jared called me if i wanna go to beach.
i should have gone because it sounded so much fun,
but had a plan with jian next day, so i called it off the night at 5:30..shame on me!

Saturday
BK flea market with jian. wow, such a nice day without any clouds!
i was riding jared's bike because mine was at maintenance.. boo.
went to the bike store every single day this weekend.. unbelievable..

then went to loft party in bushwick at night.
great time with eric and gangs!! danced my ass off with the music!
got flat tire on my way.. 5 in the morning! had to across the manhattan bridge walking with my dude.. oh but how beautiful i felt!!

Sunday
Josephine's momorial BBQ party at bushwick in BK.
huge apartment, as always.
such a good time with friends..!


Monday
again, blasted!!!
Amy's birthday party at 1492, then head off to greenpoint to shoot her film!
outside of the bar, we shoot the scene which was so much fun!!


yes, yes, yes!!
hardships are still with me.. but i will overcome them with my energy!
still cry sometimes over Ernest, but i just have to move on and
focus my life because my life deserves and is worth it.

love me, love you, love myself!!

what a beautiful night we had at prospect park!

Burning Spear was jamming and burning to the half moon in the clear sky of Brooklyn.
the smell of the grass and trees was amazing, good friends, and wine and music spice up the conversation.

I walked back to juri with haru, walking through night at park was such a special moment.

So many plans, so many events, and meeting new people.
I believe that now i am in the stage of maximize my happiness through activities and meeting interesting people.
i need to get out and release myself from those hardships.
and now that he went to the space..

love the night picnicking and the summer of new york!

ai ｜MAIL