I met a guy who has a difficult background.
As I studied psychology, I found out that people's childhood really affect their later life and their personality.
It's called psychoanalisis.
I think he is the case too.
Now he is so successful, rich, nice that people don't look down on him at all. Rather they respect and admire him so much.
But inside him, there's something. Something bothering or irritating all the time.
I see him feeling not well and very cocnfident at once.
I see his dark side sometimes and I can feel he is not merely happy.
I know he has a goood life and he is confident about his future but because of his childhood memories, he sometimes seems so sad.
I can't stand seeing him like that.
And it makes me think too.
I realized that how much my parents love me and how nice my life is.
I had difficult times as u might know by reading my diary.
But it's not like I didn't have any place to sleep or anything to eat or my parents are abusive or whatever.
I just felt so depressed coz of thinking too much.
I had too much to think about.

I am wondering if our relationship gonna work.
We have something in common which is both had difficult times and experiences that triggered you to try committing suicide.
On the other hand, we have very different childhood experiences.
One had disturbed family and the other have lovinf family.

I guess his inconsistency of attitudes come from his inner side.
I mean his sad memories.
He wanna be "normal and happy," but his attitudes don't prove he is.
Maybe he wanna have a healthy relationship but he can't coz he is too afraid to be hurt.
He saw many bad things and experienced them by himself too.
I am,too, afraid to be hurt again so i unconsciously protect myself.
But my insecureness bothers him and it leads misunderstanding to both of us.
Its so vicious circle. We know we like each other but we can't really commit to a "relationship." Coz none of us wanna get hurt.

So i decided to prove him that I am harmless to him.
He can like me coz I'll never hurt him.
It's hard for me tho.
I am insecure and not ready to be such a girl like innocent and secure. If he fuck with me, I'll be hurt.
I gotta pretend like im ok whatever he does,
I believe u no matter what and
I have unconditional love to him.

But now i doubt it's gonna work or it's such a good idea.
He doesn't wanna have a relationship but he does wanna have sex with me.
He gets angry when i go out with guys or dance with guys.
But think about it. We are just friends. maybe we are heading to be " sex friends." In that case, he has no right to argue what I do.
I always wonder what he wants and what he thinks.
I can't fully understand but getting better understanding about him.

I ask myself everyday if i like him or not as a man, future boyfriend.
I know there will be lots of conflicts between us coz of different perspectives.
But maybe it will work well.Do u really wanna give a shot?
Do u think negotiation will solve all the problems?
If it's not gonna be a long-term relationship, do u wanna get involved with it yet?

There's no answer.

Since I broke up with ex, I hate thinking about a "guy" or relationship.
I kida avoid to think. I just try to forget and move on.
But i don't know why I can't do that this time.
I cried over him not to end up with me.
Though I know we are not a couple" yet" (that what he said to my friend describing our relationship) I wtill wanna stay over his apt and have sex.
It's same thing that i've done before
IT's the same all over again.
One litttle thing that's different from other sex friends is that he still cares about what i do.
But i need a guy who cares about me not what i do. I don't need a guy who just cares about sex.

I guess I need a time-off to think about myself and doing my own stuff like he does.

I'll have fun by myself.


from May to now
6.Creg
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